Monday, December 15, 2008

A Godly wife fights with Santa about Global Warming and Evolution

Well I never thought I would be blogging about this but...it's that time I guess. Okay let me start by saying I had the most hilarious Friday! I almost peed on myself with laughter at my cute husband. While laughing to tears I told him I wish I could have recorded this whole day. So I thought man I just as well here...this is not for the faint of heart, or men, or kids....proceed with caution or just throw caution to the wind, that is what I did when I posted this.

Okay now to the funny crap!~

This Friday I had a doctor's appointment to get a monitor put on my chest due to palpitations-that I have had for oh A YEAR AND 1/2 and not one doctor would due much about-to which I told them this last visit 'do something or lock me in a padded room'-I actually said that, to a doctor-probably not smart huh, but I just don't care anymore.

Sooo anyho I get into the room and the nurse is so into herself, which is fine if they must talk about their wretched lives to every Tom, Dick and Faith that comes in then by all means lay it on me...I should be a good Christian and listen right? So then in the middle of her ranting about her horse or cows or something she says "pull off your top..."

long pause


Then I try and evaluate where the robe thingy is she is suppose to give me, and then look at her like she should leave the room so I can dress into my retard suit that I can't find.

Long stares at one another..."oh you mean now...?"


Yep just pull it all off! Stupid fear starts to hit me when I remember...Oh dear God I am wearing my jeans...that are TOO SMALL!-and taking off my long top will reveal that!

"okay but here is the thing, I have gained about 10 pounds since buying these jeans I have on and I have a serious muffin top! SERIOUS!"

She rolls her eyes and says "oh girl I've seen it all"...BUT I DON"T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!

So in frustration I just fling my top off and say to heck with it.

So there I sat with my jeans that are probably 3 sizes too small, my muffin top that is 10 sizes too big, and what does she do,

stops to TALK

About what you say...I don't know because I was too busy trying to suck in my muffin top in and trying not slam her head into the bench I was sitting on. Man do some people not get how uncomfortable it is to suck in, sit up straight, and this, of course makes your boobs stick way out so then you look like your trying to show them off- ugh! Not to mention just the sheer fact that I was in my bra, talking to this lady about BS! Happy thought Happy thoughts


Okay so then I head off to the health food market to get a few things and then it hits me, the need to go potty! Man why now! They probably don't have a bathroom and I have so much to get! So I tried to hold it but, after much walking around I realized I just could not focus on shopping with this need to go, so I ask and sure enough they do have a potty room-yeah me. SO I race off to the potty and when I turn on the light guess who is staring back at me?

A mental patient!!!!!!!!!! With cords and patches on her upper chest, she looked quite scary!

Oh no wait it's me!

Yep the monitor things are sticking out of the top of my shirt making me look like I ran away from my Psycho ward!!!!

I realized maybe I could use this to my advantage. Like I should just twitch my head and act goofy just to really freak people out. You should have seen the looks I got the rest of the day...I think people did not know what to think of all that junk near my neck...I wonder what I would have thought?

Okay so then I head to my friends house to visit her and her new baby, where I was reminded a little bit of what it's like to have a new born...you know the part where you boarder on being mentally retarded from lack of sleep and human interaction-where the only thing on your mind is poop, breast milk, and a strong desire for a bath. It was nice to visit. We talked about our past, drinking and drugs...what is so funny is that we are like the most straight, deep down Christians you will meet! We don't get drunk, we don't do drugs and yet...this is what we talked about. It was actually nice because it reminded me so much about how far God has taken me from that kind of life, and how much I really enjoy my new life with God, and Godly friends! We also talked about Santa, something that I realize some people need to understand about our family. For me I just can't lie to my children (or anyone) about anything.

Do you want to know why?

Because for years I was lied to by my spouse (old boyfriend), and that pain still affects how I act today! Finding out about Santa is one of my few memories of childhood-and I am one of those retards that remembers very little from my childhood-just ask my mom. Lying has hurt me in so many ways, that to this day I have a hard time trusting if people are being real with me.

I am not saying oh poor me, I am saying my kids will not hear a lie from me.

I just can't, even when it seems so 'innocent', it's really not. I know most people say oh I am sure you lie...and maybe to some I do but I try not to at ALL. About anything. Yes this means I tell people when I don't like their soup (only if they ask though...there is a difference between telling the truth and being rude) I always feel closer to those that are willing to tell me the truth, than say nothing or especially lie! It's just not right. How much closer will your children be to you if they know you were not willing to go with the popular census and lie to your child? Just a thought...

Well then after my visit with my friend my husband and I went out to do some shopping. That is our idea of a fun date, dinner and shopping...if it sounds pathetic it's really not, we love these dates!-We love being perfectly boring...seriously after cancer, life can not be more sweet than the little moments!

So we get to the end of our shopping trip and we decide on an item we want to get but we are unsure if it will fit into our car, so my husband and I are opening doors to the car and measuring the openings. I of course measure using my arm from my fist to my elbow.

Isn't that how you would measure?

"yep two arm lengths this way, and 3 that way." So we close the doors and head for the store.


To which my husband tells me: Don't forget this " two brown stripes past my nipples, and just above my knees"

Is that how most men measure stuff?

I burst into obnoxious laughter, oh the laughs and the stares! My husband unlike me who used her arm to measure the size of the opening...he used his nipples and knees...oh dear God is that not funny?


So, we get into the store and find the item, I put my arm up to it, looks like it will fit that way, so my husband turns it on it's side and sure enough he shoves his whole body into the box...it looked like he was humping it! Bahahahaahahahahhaahahah, you can't make this kind of stuff up! this is where I just about peed on myself! I was laughing to hard I was crying. I know people were staring because I laugh loud! And he just kept putting his body up to the box...oh dear God! You should have been there! After a bit he started doing it just to see my laugh more...ahhh

what a fun date

So that was my hilariously fun Friday night! It still makes me giggle!

Okay now my Global Warming and Evolution issue, if you already agree that evolution and G.W. are a farce you don't have to read on. Otherwise I am bringing up some topics that I have been discussing with others on another blog. They asked me to give facts to support my theory.

I don't really give facts to support my theory...that is why it's a theory. However I am going to give facts to disprove their theory.

Bare with me I do not have a science degree, but my info comes from some super smarty pants scientist that do give facts.

Okay these are the websites where I got my info...if you want to know what they said you will have to look through all their research like I did (some are even on video's that you either can buy or rent from the library), it's extensive but worth the effort. They give facts to disprove evolution and global warming.

Does this mean I think it's okay to not be environmentally friendly? Absolutely not! I still think we impact our environment in negative ways, just not the climate/weather...or at least no one has proved it to me yet.

Evolution:
http://www.drdino.com/

Global Warming:
http://www.oism.org/

Latte

3 comments:

Charley & Jessica said...

That story made me laugh out loud! I *hate* going to the doctor. My first prenatal visit is the Monday after Christmas. I hear that at THOSE appointments, NOTHING is sacred. I'm a little nervous. ;)

Anonymous said...

If oyu actually read the institute's site, you would see that what they are condemming is a catastrophic rise in temp. We all know that isn't going to happen. But if oyu look at the millions of years, you will see that the earth has been getting warmer. There is hard scientific fact for that. Indisputable scientific fact. That is if you don't live in a fantasy world where the earth is only 6 million years old and dinosaurs once roamed the planet with humans.

Latte said...

How do we know it isn't going to happen? How?

And how do you know that the earth is millions of years old, carbon dating has proven that it's not reliable. It's only a theory that it's been getting warmer...our data is a few 100 years old.-and the recent data shows everything is cooling by almost 1/2 a degree!

Oh and I don't live in a fantasy where the earth is only 6 million years old...get this I think it's only about 10,000 years old-that is a historical fact, you can't find written history dating back further than that!

Latte

 

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